


crash and burn.

by LJT



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Breakup, Established Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-03 14:21:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14570871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJT/pseuds/LJT
Summary: "... Lexa sits by the table. The one that's empty by now except for the two candles. She’s been sitting there for a while now, maybe hours, who knows.She's playing with her ring, seemingly lost in thoughts, but her thoughts haven’t been this clear in a while.A bag lies to her feet.  ..."





	1. Prologue.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you :)  
> So this has been in the back of my head for a little while now and a few weeks ago I finally wrote it down. It's going to be a short one (sadly).  
> And prepare some tissues maybe?  
> Since I'm kind of obsessed with music (which you may have noticed if you've been reading my other stories) we're starting this one with a song I love in a prologue. It's what brought this story to life and I recommend listening to it. It's from Donovan Woods and it's called "The worst way".  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u4Rrp3Xa4k&list=PLw3FXUozGcwbA6m1GzoDk2NcEqlANjXeQ&index=43
> 
> I hope you like this one, let me know if you do! 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

**Donovan Woods – The Worst Way**

__

If I lied to you  
would it turn you on?  
Would you want me more, if I was gone?  
If I stayed out late, would you wonder why?  
If I was cruel to you, would it keep you mine?

All the ways I try to love you  
They only serve to prove that it's never going to matter how much I do  
I break my heart in pieces, I never quite get through  
Loving you is the worst way to get to you  
Loving you is the worst way 

I try to give you space, to set you free  
Try to make you feel safe, beside me  
I loved you late in the night, in the morning, in the bathroom mirror  
I loved you the whole damn time, right now, right here 

All the ways I try to love you  
They only serve to prove that it's never going to matter how much I do  
I break my heart in pieces, I never quite get through  
Loving you is the worst way to get to you  
Loving you is the worst way 

Whatever it is you need, I can't find it  
It's the same babe, I'm just tired 

All the ways I try to love you  
They only serve to prove that it's never going to matter how much I do  
I think I know the reason I never quite get through  
It's 'cause loving you is the worst way to get to you  
Loving you is the worst way to get to you  
Why is loving you the worst way? 

_..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my awesome beta <3


	2. leaving you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go. Ready?

...

It's late. 

Past eight. 

Almost half past eight to be exact. 

Still nothing. No call, no text. 

Clarke said she'd be home at seven. She promised this morning, twice. 

Lexa knows her ﬁancé isn't the most punctual person, so she planned dinner for eight just to make sure. To give the blonde time for a shower. To come down and relax, while Lexa cooks for her. To spend some time talking with each other, not just in passing. 

Damn, she promised and she's still not home! 

Lexa should've known. Fuck, she should've known better. 

Instead, she cooked dinner for them – Clarke's favorite. She bought ﬂowers, sunﬂowers to be exact – also Clarke's favorite. She put candles on the table, prepared music and wine. It was supposed to be the two of them. One night. One fucking night on their anniversary! Is that too much to ask? 

Her phone chimes in the kitchen. 

It's a text from Clarke. 

**Clarke (8.33pm): Lexa, I'm sooo sorry! Something came up at work and I couldn't leave. Can we postpone our dinner? I’ll make it up to you! I promise! <3**

Another promise she won’t keep, Lexa thinks to herself bitterly.

She sighs. She’s fucking tired of it all.

 **Lexa (8.33pm): sure.**

**Clarke (8.34pm): you're mad.**

**Lexa (8.39pm): no. Don't worry, all good. I understand.**

She understands, yes. She always does. But that doesn’t mean everything’s good. Not for her. Not anymore.

That's why she makes the decision. 

 

\-------------------------

 

It's past eleven again when Clarke ﬁnally returns home. 

Lexa sits by the table. The one that's empty by now except for the two candles. She’s been sitting there for a while now, maybe hours, who knows. 

She's playing with her ring, seemingly lost in thoughts, but her thoughts haven’t been this clear in a while. 

A bag lies to her feet. 

Clarke stops immediately when she sees her. Her eyes fall to the ring, then to the bag. They widen in shock. 

"Lex, what..." 

"I can't keep going like this." She says, her voice heavy with pain. 

"What do you mean?"

Lexa has been dreading the conversation for so long now, but she's tired. 

She needs to say this like she needs to breathe. Because this back and forth is slowly making her suffocate and even though it pains her, she needs to change something. That's why she takes a deep breath before she ﬁnally looks into the blue orbs she's been missing so much in the last months. 

Blue eyes full of fear. 

Why does Lexa feel like the bad guy now? She's not the one who left them. 

"I've been patient.” She says quietly. “I waited. But lately it feels like all I'm doing is waiting for you. For you to come home, to have some free time. Hell, I can't even remember when was the last time we had sex, Clarke. And I...” She closes her eyes for moment. “God, I love you. I love you so fucking much, but I... I can't do this anymore. I can’t go on this way. Not like this." 

"Lex-" Clarke tries again, but Lexa interrupts her. 

"No!” She says, shaking her head. “No, Clarke. Do you even know what day it is?!" 

Clarke keeps silent. She doesn't know. 

Lexa expected it, but it hurts nevertheless – some place deep down. Too deep down. 

"I'll stay with Anya." Lexa announces soundless. Those words break her heart, but not further than Clarke's absence for these past ten months already did. 

Clarke's eyes widen in terror. "What? No, Lex, please let us talk about this-" 

"Now you want to talk?!" Lexa exclaims angrily. She swore herself she wouldn't get loud, but this is unbelievable. "I tried! I tried so many times, but I'm done waiting, done trying to save us when all you do is say that you're tired or that we'll talk in the morning, only to leave before I wake up! I'm fucking done waiting, Clarke!" 

"I didn't know.” The blonde hastily answers, her voice breaking a little. “I got carried away with the job and-" 

Lexa places her engagement ring on the table and Clarke goes silent. 

Maybe she does stop breathing for a moment, too. 

Maybe she sees the pain on Lexa's face, before the brunette gets up, wipes her tears and walks to the front door without saying anything else. 

There’s not much to say anymore.

 

************************** 

 

Clarke stands there, shocked and shaken to the core. 

How could she have been so blind? 

Only the slam of the door behind Lexa breaks her out of her state of shock. 

She sees the candles on the table and somehow that’s all she can focus on for a moment. 

She didn't even manage one night. One night. She knew Lexa would be angry – she deserved that. But this… 

She stares at Lexa's ring lying on the table. She gave it to her about a year ago – Fuck. 

No. Not about a year ago. Exactly one year ago. They had promised each other to go back to the cabin for their anniversary. They had even made reservations. 

And she forgot it all. 

When realization hits her, Clarke sinks to the ﬂoor, sobs wrecking her body. 

Lexa’s gone. And she can’t even blame her.

\--

Later that evening Clarke puts the ring on her necklace in a mechanical action and she crawls into bed. Alone. She's painfully aware of that. 

She lies on Lexa's side, burying her nose in the brunette's pillow. The scent doesn't calm her. 

Has she lost her? 

She'll come back, right? 

She _has_ to come back. 

Little does Clarke know she won't. 

\-------

The next morning Clarke ﬁnds her favorite dish and sunﬂowers in the trash bin and it shatters her fucking heart all over again.

Lexa tried. 

God, how could she let this happen?! 

 

**Clarke (8.03am): can we talk pls?**

**1 missed call. (8.54am)**

**Clarke (10.58am): Lex?**

**2 missed calls. (11.16am)**

**Clarke (2.07pm): Lexa. Can you call me back?**

**3 missed calls. (2.23pm)**

**Clarke (2.24pm): baby, come on. Please pick up.**

**5 missed calls. (3.12pm)**

**6 missed calls. (5.01pm)**

**Clarke (7.02pm): I know I screwed up. But can we please talk?**

**9 missed calls. (10.37pm)**

**Clarke (11.09pm): I'm sorry.**

**11 missed calls. (00.54am)**

**Clarke (03.04am): I love you.**

****

Lexa throws her phone against the wall. The screen cracks, but somehow it's still working. Fuck. 

 

*****************************

 

 **27 missed calls.**

**52 unread messages.**

Anya watches her cousin's face closely, as Lexa stares at her phone. The one that's been ringing nonstop. 

"So, what's the plan? You want to keep ignoring her?" She asks. She's annoyed by it, but she's more concerned about the brunette on her couch. 

"Is it wrong that a part of me wants to... punish her?" 

Anya shakes her head. "I'd punch her if you'd let me. She practically abandoned you. I mean, that's... I've got no words for that." 

Lexa doesn't either. Not anymore. 

 

************************************

 

"I've lost her, Rae." Clarke sobs into her friend's shoulder. "I've lost her!" 

"She'll come back. It's been two days." 

"No she won't. She... god you should've seen her face. She's done. And I can't even blame her. Fuck, Rae, how could I let that happen?" 

Raven doesn't say anything. She watched the whole thing go down and she tried to warn Clarke. But the blonde wouldn't listen. And now there’s so much pain, self-hatred and emptiness in her best friend’s blue eyes.

"She tried so often to talk to me, but I... I wasn't there." 

"Clarke, I'm sure she'll come back. Give her a little time." 

Clarke takes off the necklace she's been wearing. She hands it over to Raven and sniffs. "She won't." 

"Is that...?" 

"It's her ring." Clarke conﬁrms. 

Raven keeps silent for a few minutes. 

She knew Lexa wouldn’t keep going like this. She watched her friend building up walls around her and she could see it in the little things Lexa did or didn’t do. Going out alone, not even trying to find excuses for her fiancé anymore. Then, not going out anymore, because Clarke’s missing presence was all too present. 

Raven had seen it coming long before Lexa did. 

"It’s unlikely for Lexa to leave like that.” She thinks loud accidently. “She-" 

"No it's not. We fought about my job a hundred times, you know that. And then we... we stopped. I should've known. I saw the signs and I... I did nothing. God, I... I'm so stupid!"

Raven can’t deny that. 

 

************************

On Monday – three days after Lexa left – Clarke heads into work. To distract herself from the emptiness, the fear and the pain she’s been feeling. To keep herself from drinking and from knocking at Anya’s door to see Lexa. 

But her feet feel numb, her head is empty and her heart still screams in agony. So she leaves after two hours. 

She just starts walking and doesn’t stop until she’s in front of Anya’s apartment building. 

She thinks about Lexa. How she’s feeling. How she must have felt all those months. 

That’s why she turns around and heads home. 

 

************************

 

You’re not supposed to break up with someone when you’re madly in love with them. That’s just not right. 

Is it a breakup?

Lexa’s not sure. She just knows, she had to get out there. She couldn’t keep up the façade any longer. 

And the longer she stays away from Clarke, the calmer she feels. 

And that again feels so wrong, she wants to puke. 

She hates feeling this way. 

Correction: she hates feeling at all. 

Love is weakness. Her father was right after all. 

But Clarke made her feel… invincible. 

\----

Lexa stares at the message she just got.

**Raven (12.34pm): Hey Lexa. I know that you don’t want to talk to her, but you should. Don’t you think she deserves more than that? She’s a mess.**

It’s been three days. 

Lexa called in sick today and she stayed in bed, unable to say or do anything else. But she’s staring at the dozens of messages Clarke has sent and at all the pictures she’s got saved on her phone. 

They’ve known each other for seven years. They met when Lexa moved to Arkadia, Clarke’s hometown, for her senior year of high school.

Five and a half years – that’s how long they’ve been together. They managed a long-distance friendship and later a relationship, before Lexa moved back to Arkadia after her college graduation.

They’ve been living together for two years now. 

And for one they were engaged. 

Lexa isn’t sure about a lot of things, but she’s sure of that: she broke up their engagement, when she left the ring on the table. 

Where does it leave the rest of them?

She types an answer. 

**Lexa (12.41pm: Don’t you think I deserved better?**

**Raven (12.41pm): you did. You do. But you’re in a relationship, Lex. You love her. And she loves you. Don’t you wanna try and work it out?**

Lexa never answers that text. 

...


	3. in pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thanks for the feedback and all the love for this story! It's amazing, thank you so, so much <3
> 
> It's why I decided to add a chapter, so there'll be 9 instead of 8 chapters :)  
> I hope you like this one. 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

“She didn’t answer?”

“Clarke! You can’t just hijack my phone!” Raven complains. She walks back to the couch and snatches the device out of the blonde’s hands. “You weren’t supposed to see this!”

“But I did. And she didn’t answer! Rae, she’s been radio silent for a week! A whole fucking week!”

“I know. You’ve been looking like shit for the same amount of time.” 

Clarke doesn’t smile, not even a little bit. 

She’s been crying for days but nothing changes. She still feels awful and she still misses the green-eyed girl – when she wakes up, when she leaves without a kiss, when she returns home to an empty apartment. She misses Lexa’s music, her humming along to every song on the radio, the smell of her pancakes. And she feels like suffocating all the time. 

And she hates working. When she took over her father’s company after his death, she loved her job. Always new projects, new people, new challenges. Her mother wanted her to follow in her footsteps and become a doctor. Her father wanted her to follow her own passion. She wanted to be like him. So she became an engineer. 

But she wasn’t supposed to lead the company alone. She’s way too young for that. Of course she got swallowed up by it. 

She doesn’t love her job anymore. Not when she can’t tell Lexa about the new projects and the brunette doesn’t tell her she’s proud of her. Not when it’s what had cost her the woman she loves in the end. 

“Hey.” Raven tries to comfort her. “She’ll come around and talk to you.” 

“Talk? About what? This is clearly a breakup, Rae! And I deserve it, okay? I was awful to her! I neglected her! If I had been in her shoes, I would’ve left me way earlier.” Clarke answers and for a moment she buries her face in her hands. “I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I became this… this version of myself that I can’t stand. She was my number one for all those years and then I took over Dad’s company and I… I just got lost.”

\---

“I’ll quit.” 

The Latina frowns. “You’ll quit what?” 

Clarke stops the movie they were watching. “I’ll quit my job.” 

“Why?”

“I want her back. And this job… It’s not worth it.” 

“Griffin, don’t rush this. She’s making you choose and you can’t give in to that.”

“She’d never make me choose. That’s why she left. She could’ve asked me to quit. She could’ve asked me to put us first, but she’d never do that. Lexa would sacrifice everything for the people she cares about.”

Raven snorts. “We see how that went.”

Clarke frowns. She thought Raven would have her back on this. But clearly she hasn’t. 

“I want you to leave.” She says, crossing her arms.

“What?”

“You heard me.” 

“Clarke, listen-”

“I SAID GET OUT!”

\-------

It’s the same night that Clarke finds herself in front of Anya’s door. 

She’s not sure, why she is here. To win Lexa back? Long term, yes. But mostly to apologize for how careless and unmindful she’s been for the past months. And she really (REALLY) needs to see her. 

She knocks.

Then she hears steps coming to the door and it opens. 

“Clarke.” Anya says, her face cold and emotionless. “What do you want?”

“Can I… talk to her?” 

Anya crosses her arms. “Let’s pretend for a moment you deserve that. Why shouldn’t I punch you in the face? Hm? Tell me, Clarke, because I really want to hit you for what you’ve done.”

Clarke swallows. She expected Anya to be angry. But the woman in front of her isn’t just angry and her usual self is already kind of intimidating.

“Go ahead. Punch me. I deserve that. But I won’t leave, Anya. I need to tell her that I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t fix anything, but I have to start somewhere, so let me, please.”

“She’s not here.”

“What? Where-”

“But I’ll tell her. Anything else?”

Clarke’s mind races. Where would Lexa be at this time?

“Griffin?”

“Umm… Tell her that I’ll wait at our spot. Tomorrow night and every following one, if I have to. Can you tell her that?”

Anya nods. And then she closes the door in front of Clarke. 

 

\-------------------

Their spot is nothing special. It’s a tree house in Clarke’s parents' backyard. Well, her mother’s now, since her father died a year and four months ago. 

She goes there the next day at sundown and she climbs the stairs, while her heart beats with hope. 

She’s a little disappointed that Lexa isn’t there yet. 

There are drawings on the walls and old photos and in one corner there’s an old armchair. Clarke basically grew up here. 

It’s their spot, because they kissed here for the first time. It was long before they became a couple.

\--- 

__

_It’s late July and they’ve got a whole summer ahead of them. School’s over, they’ve graduated high school and are about to conquer the world – Lexa’s words, not hers._

_At this time of the year, Clarke loves to sleep in her old tree house. It’s cozy and, through the roof hatch, she can see the stars. She has texted Lexa to come over and soon there’s the familiar creaking of the stairs, before the brunette climbs into the small treehouse._

_“Hey.”_

_“Hey back.”_

_They lay down on their backs and stare at the night sky._

_“Can I tell you something?” Clarke asks after a few minutes passed in silence._

_“You can tell me anything.”_

_“I’ve never told anyone before.”_

_“And I’ll keep it a secret for as long as you want.”_

_Clarke smiles, as she turns her head towards her best friend. “I know. It’s just… It’s scary.”_

_Lexa stays silent and waits patiently for Clarke to sort out her thoughts._

_“I think I might like girls, too.”_

_“Okay.”_

_Clarke’s nervousness fades with Lexa’s casual answer. “Okay?”_

_The brunette shrugs. “Okay. What do you want me to say? I’m gay.”_

_Now Clarke laughs. “That rhymed.”_

_“It did.”_

_They both share a smile – one full of affection._

_“How do you feel about it?” Lexa asks after a moment._

_“I'm not sure. I mean, I… I like boys too. It’s called being bisexual. That kind of sounds strange, if you ask me. But hey, doubles the chances of finding the right one.” Clarke chuckles weakly. She’s still nervous._

_“I guess. But how do you know you’re into girls, too? Anyone special?”_

_Only later would Clarke learn that Lexa already had a tiny crush on her back then and that she asked for a reason._

_Only later would Lexa learn that Clarke had a huge crush on the brunette. How could she not? Lexa has a beautiful mind. She is gorgeous and funny. And she’s got the craziest ideas sometimes, but Clarke would follow her everywhere._

_“No. I… I mean, I never kissed a girl. I just… I think they’re beautiful.”_

_“Do you want to?” Lexa asks._

_“What?”_

_“Kiss girls.”_

__No. I want to kiss you, _Clarke thinks._

_“I think so.” She says instead._

_Again, it’s silent for a while._

_“How does it feel?”_

_“Kissing girls?” Lexa asks turning to face the blonde._

_Clarke nods._

_“It’s soft. Sweet. I’ve got one boy to compare to and he sucked at kissing in general. So… that’s not really enough to know for sure.” Lexa shrugs._

_“We’re going to college soon.”_

_“Yeah. And?”_

_Clarke chews on her bottom lip nervously. What she’s about to say next might ruin their friendship. But you never know, if you don’t try, right?_

_“I’m… unexperienced.”_

_Lexa turns her head back to face her. “In?”_

_“Kissing girls.”_

_“Do you want to kiss me?”_

_“I… I don’t know. Sorry. That’s weird.” Clarke sits up and shuffles around nervously. “Forget it, I-”_

_“No. Clarke!” Lexa interrupts her. “We’re best friends, right?”_

_“Really? I-” Clarke stops talking, because Lexa is suddenly way closer than before._

_Her green eyes sparkle in the dim light. “Close your eyes.”_

_Clarke’s mouth goes dry. Her heart beats an unsteady and fast rhythm. But she obeys – of course she does. Hell, if she gets to be kissed by Lexa once in her lifetime that’s better than never._

_She can feel Lexa’s hand cupping her face gently. Then she feels the brunette’s breath ghosting over her face. But before she can form one single thought, their lips connect and she’s lost. Because Lexa’s lips are sweet and so, so soft and they move with so much confidence and tenderness against her own._

_And Clarke is ruined._

__

\-----

One single teardrop rolls down Clarke’s cheek at this bittersweet memory. Then she’s out of tears. As hard as it is: the ball’s in Lexa court now. All she can do is wait and hope.

And she waits. One hour. Two. Three. Four.

But Lexa doesn’t show up.

...


	4. don't let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey :)   
> Is it weird that it makes me sad that we've almost reached half of the story already?   
> Anyways. Thanks again for the feedback and all the love for this story. It inspires me to no end and I've already got two new ideas. ;)  
> Enjoy reading!  
> Love,   
> LJT.  
> \---

...

 

When Lexa opens her eyes, her first instinct is to reach over for Clarke’s body. 

But her fingers reach out for nothing, because half of the king-sized guest bed she’s sleeping in is empty. Cold. And her sleepy self just can’t get used to it.

She contemplates staying in bed for another day, but she’s in desperate need of a shower and her stomach’s growling, so that’s not an option. 

And she’s got a massive hangover from last night, so she needs an Advil and lots of water. 

She toddles towards the bathroom and wishes she could drown in the shower. Maybe that’s possible, who knows. If you try hard enough…

Lexa didn’t go out last night. In fact she hasn’t left Anya’s apartment for more than a walk to the next grocery store, where she bought ice-cream and alcohol. 

“She was here last night.” Anya announces as soon as Lexa leaves the guestroom.

A pang of guilt hits Lexa exactly where it hurts. 

She’s been avoiding Clarke for a whole week. One entire week. What was she thinking? 

Yes, of course Clarke deserved a part of it. But not seven days. Lexa’s pride got in the way. But she’s scared to face the blonde, scared of what it might do to her, and she needed to sort her thoughts. Without success. She’s still confused and torn. 

“What did she look like?” She asks while she sits down across from Anya at the table.

“Honestly?”

Lexa nods, afraid of the answer. 

Clarke’s not the most… open person. She only confides in a handful people and she’s never been good at talking about feelings. But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t feel. Behind her stoic façade she’s the most emotional and caring person Lexa ever has ever come across. She’s got the biggest heart and she cares deeply. 

Lexa knows that her actions broke the other woman’s heart. And even though Lexa’s heart hurts on its own, the knowledge pains her even more now. 

Anya confirms Lexa’s fears a second later. “She looked like shit.” 

Lexa’s eyes water. 

It still hurts. Everything hurts. 

But she can’t deny that she misses the blonde either. She misses talking to her, she misses holding her in her arms at night, hell she even misses the blonde’s light snoring, the never closed toothpaste on the sink and all the arguing about it. She misses everything about her. 

She thought she had missed her for months and that was partly true. But she still had her, in a way. Now she doesn’t have one piece of her. Not even the tiniest piece – like a smile or a smell on the pillow or the short goodbye-kisses she loves in the mornings. 

Was it the right choice to leave like that?

It was what she needed to do. But was it right? 

“Lexa?”

She looks up. 

“She said, she’d wait for you at your spot tonight. And every following one, too. Pretty dramatic if you ask me, but… you should talk to her. Tell her how you feel.” 

“What happened to you wanting to punch her?” 

Anya smiles. “She looked… punished enough, I guess. And even though she really hurt you, you love her. Don’t you?”

“I do.” 

A nod. “Then you’ll work it out.”

 

\------

 

Lexa spends her day on Anya’s couch, thinking about what to tell the blonde tonight. 

Should she ask for more time? 

Should she let Clarke do the talking? 

Or should she apologize for waiting so long? 

She stares at the screensaver on her phone. She couldn’t bring herself to change it, so it’s still one of her most favorite pictures. Clarke’s hair is still wet from the shower she had just taken and she’s wearing nothing but a dark blue, large t-shirt. She laughs about something Lexa had said (Lexa can’t remember), with her head thrown back and sparkling eyes. 

God, she loves that woman with everything she has. 

 

\-----

 

It’s half past six when Lexa finally decides on leaving Anya’s apartment. 

She has to talk to Clarke. She needs to. She’s got no idea what’s going to happen next, but she’s not going to let a chance at rekindling their relationship pass, if Clarke wants to try and work it out. 

She owes the blonde a change to talk. That’s what they’ll do. 

But she needs to do something first. She needs to let of some steam because otherwise she might say things she’ll regret later. 

So she steals Anya’s mountain bike and heads north, out of the city and into the wild. 

The air is cool and something sweet in it distracts her for a moment, while she enjoys airstream in her face. Is it Lavender? Clarke loves Lavender. Okay, true, she loves every kind of flower.

Lexa chooses her favorite route through the forest and down a hill. It’s not her bike, which is kind of distracting at first, but soon she notices that her whirlwind of thoughts in her head calms down.

She enjoys the familiar burning in her thighs as she cycles up the last hill an hour later. Now comes her favorite part of this route. She stops for a moment to enjoy the view over the valley and the beautiful landscape. Everything’s glowing now that the sundown’s close. 

One day, she hopes, she’ll be able to show this spot to Clarke. She’s sure the blonde would love to paint the view.

She knows that she has to see her. 

Not because Clarke wants to. No. Because Lexa wants to see Clarke. She aches to see her blue eyes and her golden hair, but she aches to feel her presence too. Her whole body craves for Clarke. 

So Lexa lets the bike roll over the hill and down the small, steep path. 

Suddenly the front wheel of her bike does an unexpected turn and she goes flying over the handlebar in the blink of an eye.

The last thing Lexa remembers is sharp pain on the back of her head and thinking of Clarke, as she lies on the cold track in the middle of nowhere alone. 

\-------

It’s dark. Pitch-black to be exact. 

For a while Lexa isn’t scared. She’s feeling dizzy, but she doesn’t feel anything else and that’s calming in a strange way. 

But then, slowly, fear is taking over. 

It’s the silence. 

This silence is different. It’s wrong. Something’s missing. 

If that’s the other side, then it’s dark and cold over there. She’s so cold that her body should be trembling, but it doesn’t. So either she’s left her body and she’s dead, or she’s dreaming. 

She’s dreaming. She has to be, because this is not the kind of ending she envisioned for herself. 

\---

After a while it feels like she’s able to breathe again and she’s really thankful for that. She’s still cold, but maybe it’s the darkness surrounding her that scares her. 

She loses track of time, so she starts counting my breaths, but they’re too many.

So she start praying – to whichever god out there. Because she can’t die, not when Clarke may be thinking that Lexa doesn’t love her. 

\---

She blinks. 

The outlines of a very blurry face come into view. 

A young woman’s voice speaks to her. “Can you hear me? No, no, stay awake okay? I need you to stay-”

But Lexa can’t hear her and soon everything turns dark again. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hate me...


	5. I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey :)  
> A few of you seem really invested in this story! What an honor! Thank you so much <3  
> Here's the next chapter, I hope you like it. It also includes some Octaven. I'm planning another story as you read this and I'm thinking about Raven's love interest. Luna or Anya or Octavia? Which do you prefer? Or which would you like to read? 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

Clarke’s lying in their bed (maybe only hers now) the same night and she’s trying to cry herself to sleep. Trying to, because she’s got no more tears she could cry. Though that doesn’t mean, she doesn’t want to. Oh, does she want to cry.

She returned home around eleven. 

Except it doesn’t feel like home. Not without Lexa. 

The apartment they’ve shared for almost two years is the perfect mix between them both. 

Lexa is a little messy and she likes it colorful. She’s a sucker for flea markets and garage sales and she never returns home without having bought at least one (unnecessary) item – comes with being a free spirit. 

Clarke’s more of a neat and simple creature. She loves structures and light colors and she always complains about Lexa leaving her stuff everywhere. Except for the bathroom. There it’s the complete opposite. 

But now it all feels wrong. The pictures on the living room wall, the empty half of their bed… Hell, Clarke even misses the sound of Lexa’s finger typing on her laptop. 

Clarke grabs one of Lexa’s hoodies and buries herself in it.

Why didn’t Lexa show?

Is it really over? Just like that?

Yes, it’s not just like that, she knows it. But still. 

She’ll return to their spot for as long as she has to. She can’t give up on them. 

But with the pain there’s also anger settling in her stomach. Clarke is so fucking angry at Lexa for not even texting or calling. Lexa has just walked out on them and she has turned her back on Clarke and on everything they were. 

Is that really it? Is this how it ends?

Her phone rings. 

And because she hopes it’s Lexa (she’s been hoping that for seven days), she gets up to get it. 

It’s not Lexa and she can’t help but feel disappointed.

In fact it’s Raven. 

They’ve been silent since Clarke had thrown her friend out yesterday after not feeling supported. A rash decision maybe.

But Clarke has been rethinking everything and she’s come to the conclusion that needs to focus on her relationship. She’ll find someone to conduct the operative daily business and she’ll step back. She loves her work, but not the position she has now. And she never wanted to be one of these workaholics who can’t make room for those they love.

She wants to come home early, to sleep in on weekends and to wake up next to the woman she loves. She wants more than just fifteen minutes with Lexa every day. 

Back to the phone call. 

It’s after midnight, so Raven’s either drunk or something happened. 

Clarke picks up. “Rae? You okay?”

“It’s about Lexa!” The Latina says hastily. “She had an accident. It’s bad.”

_Lexa._

_Accident._

Those words don’t make sense, until…

No.

NO!

Clarke’s phone shatters to the floor with a loud crash. 

Just a second later, the sound of a body slumping right next to the device follows, as her feet give in. 

“Clarke?!”

_Lexa. Accident. Bad. Lexa. Accident. Bad. Lexa. Accident. Bad. Lexa._

“Clarke?! Clarke! Answer me!”

Raven’s worried voice breaks her out of her state of shock. 

With numb fingers, she grabs her phone again, ignoring the big crack on the display. “I'm here.” She whispers, wiping her face. She doesn’t know when she started crying. 

“I’m coming over to pick you up, okay? Don’t you dare driving by yourself! I’ll be there in five.”

“Okay.” She hears herself answer. 

She couldn’t drive if she wanted to. She can’t move. She can’t even fucking breathe!

 _Lexa. Goddamnit, don’t do this to me!_ She prays silently. _Don’t you dare leaving me like this!_

 

\------------

 

Clarke has basically grown up in a hospital with her mother being the chief of surgery at Arkadia Hospital. 

She knows the routines and the medical terms. She knows the nurse’s names, their relieved and their sad faces. 

They make a sad face, when she and Raven arrive. 

Everything feels numb. 

Clarke doesn’t remember much, because as soon as she hears the words “severe injuries” and “traumatic brain injury” she passes out, right there in the emergency room. 

Raven barely catches her. 

 

******************************

 

Raven has seen her best friend in a lot of different states over the span of their lives. There’s the angry version of Clarke, which is kind of scary, the heartbroken one, which breaks Raven’s heart too, because they’re best friends, the drunk one, which is really cool and funny, the happy one, which is Raven’s favorite, and the “happily-in-love” one.

But she’s never seen Clarke like this. 

A lot of people keep telling her that she’s a genius and they may be right about that. It’s easy for her to connect dots, to find solutions for problems other people can’t understand. She loves riddles and puzzles, she’s permanently curious and she thrives from exploring new things. 

But she can’t imagine, how it feels like to sit on a hospital chair while her fiancé is fighting for her life. And honestly she doesn’t want to.

That’s what all people are afraid of, right? The dark thought lingering in the back of your mind, not present for most of the time, but you know it’s there. Waiting to sneak up on you in the middle of the night in a nightmare. Or in real life. 

Within a few hours all their friends and families have gathered in the waiting room. 

Everyone’s talking in hushed whispers.

Clarke sits on a chair, elbows resting on her knees, fingers intertwined, staring at the floor. She hasn’t moved since she woke up after fainting hours ago. 

It scared the shit out of Raven – and Raven Reyes isn’t one to be scared easily. But she’s even more scared of this hollow version of her best friend and she can’t help but think about the worst-case scenario. 

What if Lexa doesn’t make it? What if she dies? 

Clarke would never recover from this. Never. 

The door to the waiting room opens again and everyone looks up, expecting to see a doctor, but it’s just Octavia. 

_Just._

To Raven it means the world that Octavia has been driving all night to get here as fast as she could.

The girl with the ice-blue eyes walks up to Clarke first and hugs her, whispering words of love and hope into the blonde’s ears, before she comes over to Raven. 

Raven opens her arms for the shorter girl as if she’s offering comfort, but in reality it’s the other way around. She’s in desperate need for the other girl’s familiar warmth.

“I'm here.” Octavia whispers quietly in Raven’s ear, as the Latina buries her face in Octavia’s neck.

Raven inhales the scent she loves so much. “Thank you.”

“Always.” 

Raven pulls back and Octavia gets on her toes to press a kiss to the Latina’s forehead. They share a sad smile before they sit down, hands intertwined. 

When Raven imagines Octavia in there instead of Lexa… God. She feels sick the same second. 

They haven’t been together for long and long-distance is hard, but Raven is head over heels for the smaller girl. 

They all grew up together, but Octavia is a few years younger than Raven and Clarke. She went to the other side of the country for college, but she comes home whenever she can. 

The two of them wasted so much time tiptoeing around each other, before they finally went on a date last year. The same evening Raven did something highly unlikely for her – she confessed her feelings. On their first date she told Octavia that she’s madly in love with her. 

It payed off, because Octavia smiled, ghosted a kiss over her lips and told her she loved her too, before she really kissed her. They made love the whole night. 

And the thought of losing her… 

“Hey.” Octavia whispers quietly, her thumb drawing patterns on the back of Raven’s hand. “Stop it.”

“What?”

“I know what you’re thinking. But I'm here and we’re good. And Lexa will be fine, too.” 

Raven leans into her girlfriend’s body. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

 

**************

Clarke watches the exchange from across the room. 

Will she ever hear those words from Lexa again? 

Will she ever get the chance?

It’s early morning by now. 

Lexa’s been in surgery for hours. Eight to be exact. 

The uncertainty is slowly driving Clarke nuts. She’s been pacing around the room. She’s been sitting on that damn chair. She had more coffee than she should’ve been drinking. And her mind doesn’t stop coming up with dark and horrible scenarios. 

Lexa has to survive this. 

_I love you, Lex. Please._

...


	6. stay with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :)  
> I hope it's enough angst :P   
> Enjoy!

…

_It’s her mother, who delivers the message everyone’s afraid of._

_Clarke can see it in her eyes, long before Abby even reaches the waiting room._

_No_ , she thinks, _No, no, no!_

_This can’t be it._

_Lexa can’t be dead._

_This is not how their story was supposed to end._

_They talked about kids and a house. They wanted to get married._

_“Clarke, I'm so sorry… We did everything we could, but…” Abby says, her voice broken and full of pain, eyes glistening with tears._

_She’s got no right to feel like that. She doesn’t even like Lexa._

_“Where is she?” She asks, ignoring Raven, who wraps her arms around her shoulder. “Where is she? I want to see her.”_

_“Sweetie, don’t-”_

_“I want to see her, Mom.”_

_Abby shakes her head helplessly, letting Clarke push her until Octavia and Raven manage to get a hold of her._

_“Don’t do this to yourself, Clarke. Please.”_

_“I WANT TO SEE HER!” She screams, then her knees give in and she thinks to the floor. Raven and Octavia follow, while Abby stands in front of her, unmoving. "I want to see her." She whispers._

_\----_

_In the end Clarke gets to see her._

_All those scratches and cuts can’t damage her beauty. Lexa’s face looks peaceful as she lies on the bed, but somehow that feels wrong to Clarke._

_Death isn’t beautiful._

_Death isn’t peaceful._

_Clarke breaks down over Lexa’s body._

_***_

_“Do you want to go in or should I?”_

_“Hey, I went last time!”_

_“Rae. She’s your friend.”_

_“Yeah, but she threw dinner in my face last time.”_

_“She’s grieving.” Octavia insists._

_“It’s been three months.”_

_“And?”_

_“I'm just saying. Some time she has to leave this apartment.”_

_“She went out for drinks with us last Friday.”_

_“That doesn’t count. She only did it to get drunk and then she spent all night over the toilet.”_

_“Rae…”_

_“This isn’t right.”_

_Clarke listens to the sound of her two best friends talking in hushed voices without feeling anything._

_She’s just numb._

_She lies awake at night and is tortured by nightmares during the days._

_The bed feels wrong and empty, so she sleeps on the floor._

_She can’t sit by the table Lexa left the ring._

_She can’t use the coffee machine, because it reminds her of how often Lexa would curse over the damn thing._

_She can’t open the drawer to pull out one of Lexa’s hoodies, because she’s afraid she’ll lose the brunettes scent forever._

_She can’t watch any new movie, because she misses Lexa’s comments. She can’t watch the old ones, the ones she’s already seen, because she remembers everything Lexa has said during them._

_She can’t go to that pizza place she loves, because she only loved it there when Lexa went with her._

_She can’t see her friends, because they look at her with such pity in her eyes._

_She’s okay._

_Except she isn’t. And she never will be okay again. Not in a world without Lexa._

__

…

Clarke wakes up with a jolt and she hits her head on something hard. 

“Ouch!” Raven groans.

It was Raven’s head. Why was Raven’s head so close to hers? 

“Goddamn. You’re a sleeping dead!” 

“Sorry.”

“Never mind.” Raven says, but she continues to rub her chin. 

Suddenly she remembers. 

The hospital. 

The nightmare. 

Lexa is alive. She is, right? 

“What happened? How’s Lexa?” She frantically turns around to catch a glimpse of the other girl, but she’s still in the waiting room. She must have fallen asleep a while ago.

“Nothing’s changed. You were just having a nightmare and I thought I’d better wake you up. Turns out that's harder than I thought it would be.”

“Thanks.”

“What were you dreaming about?”

“Lexa. She… she died.” 

Raven reaches out her hand and takes Clarke’s, before squeezing it tight. “She’s alive. She’ll wake up and you’ll be fine.”

“You know, I’d do everything”

“I know. But you heard what your mother said. It’s nothing unnormal after such an injury that people don’t wake up immediately. It gives her time to heal.”

“But what if she doesn’t wake up?”

“Clarke, we’re talking about Lexa here.” 

“And? That doesn’t mean anything. Even if she wakes up, the chances that she’s going to be okay again are so slim… What if she doesn’t remember me? What if her heads a mush?”

“Don’t talk like that. You hear me? You’ve got the be strong for her. So stop thinking about all those worst-case scenarios, they’re just messing with your head.”

Clarke hunches back into her seat and leans her head against the wall. 

She’s been at this hospital for forty-eight hours straight. Everything around her slowly drains all hope out of her and it isn’t helping that she hasn’t showered for the same amount of time. She feels worn-out, hopeless and dirty. And her tired head comes up with even more scenarios all the time. 

She can’t shake the horrible feeling from the nightmare. 

“Come on. Let’s get you home. She’ll still be here, when you’ve slept a few hours.”

“I can’t go there.” 

“I’ll stay with you. Come on.” Raven gets up and offers a hand. 

“Give me ten minutes. I’ll just say goodnight to Lexa.” 

“It’s early morning. But yeah, go ahead. I’ll wait here.”

\---

The dim light of the room makes Lexa look almost natural. It hides the cuts on the brunette’s face. 

Clarke thinks about her dream and takes Lexa’s hand to feel her pulse. She’s been doing this a few times since Lexa got out of surgery. Just to reassure herself that the brunette’s heart is still beating. 

“Hey, love.” She says in hushed whispers. “I'm going to go home for a few hours. I stink. You’ll stay right where you are, okay? I need you to stay here, okay? _I need you._ ”

She pushes a few loose strands of hair out of the Lexa’s face, her fingers lightly grazing the bandage around her head, before she presses one kiss to Lexa’s knuckles and another one on her forehead. 

She longs to kiss her on the lips, but she doesn’t want to cross Lexa’s boundaries. 

She just hopes Lexa will still have boundaries when she wakes up.

If she gets a second chance she wants to do this right. 

“I… I love you. Come back to me, please.” She whispers, stares a little longer and finally gets up to leave. 

 

*****

 

“Get some rest.” 

Clarke shakes her head, looking completely drained and helpless. “I can’t sleep in here.” 

“I’ll stay with you.” 

“I can’t.”

Raven sighs. “Then we’ll take the couch.”

“You don’t have to stay. Octavia’s here. Spend some time with her.”

“Clarke, you need me here way more than O does. She’ll be fine.”

“But I'm not. Go. _Please._ ”

Raven stares into the blue eyes of her best friend and contemplates her options. She doesn’t want to fight with her about it, but she can’t leave her alone, can she? 

“Clarke-”

“I’ll be okay. I’ll take a shower and sleep on the couch and then I’ll drive back to the hospital. Go home, Rae. Be with Octavia.” The way she speaks makes it clear that she’s made up her mind.

So Raven finally relents. “Okay. Call me if you need anything?”

“Sure.”

She feels guilty when she leaves, even though Clarke practically forced her to. But she knows that the blonde will break down crying and she’d like to hold her and comfort her, because she feels it too. 

She’s got that dreading feeling in her bones that’s weighing her down. Something dark and heavy. And she prays that Lexa survives this. 

-

When she reaches her apartment just a few blocks away from Clarke’s and Lexa’s she notices how tired she is herself. 

She unlocks her door and there she is. Octavia. The woman she wants to spend her life with. In just sweatpants and a large t-shirt, without makeup. 

Raven stops in the doorway and stares.

“Hey! Why aren’t you at Clarke’s?” Octavia asks and walks over.

“She told me to go home.” _To you._

The smaller brunette crosses the remaining distance and wraps her arms around Raven’s neck. 

Raven didn’t know how much she needed that. 

“How are you holding up?” Octavia asks quietly.

“I don’t know.” She sighs. “I really don’t know. But it’s good that you’re here. I'm happy that you’re here. Is that wrong? I mean, given the circumstances…”

Octavia pulls back and takes Raven’s face into both hands. “It’s not wrong. And I'm happy that to be here, too.”

…


	7. please keep loving me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)   
> First of all: my heart is in Texas today and tonight <3 I'm not religious myself, but my thoughts are with the families and people affected by this senseless and horrible act of violence. I don't have words for it. 
> 
> About this chapter - I stole the title from another song that's going to be featured in here. James TW - Please Keep Loving Me  
> Check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b48gHkvwOcM 
> 
> Love <3  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

__

####  A few years ago. 

_Clarke has spent the whole flight thinking about when she has fallen in love with her best friend._

_They’ve been facetiming and talking over the phone at least once a day – and always at least an hour. They’ve been texting basically non-stop. Whenever something important happens in the other’s life, they are the first they talk to._

_She can’t pinpoint an exact moment._

_Clarke always believed in this love-at-first-sight concept, because her parents have it. But this way is even more beautiful, because she didn’t fall for Lexa’s looks. For her eyes – those soulful sea-green eyes she wants to drown in. She didn’t fall for her body. Lexa is gorgeous, there’s no denying. But looks can be deceiving._

_No. Clarke has fallen in love with Lexa because of the brunette’s soul, because of her way to see the world._

_She has fallen in love with Lexa’s mind. Her beautiful, crazy, funny, kind, creative and free-spirited mind._

_It scares her. But Clarke knows she has to tell her. That’s why she’s here. In front of Lexa’s door, halfway across the country. And she’s willing to wear her heart on her sleeve._

_She knocks and she swears never have a few seconds felt that long in her life._

_The door opens._

_And a blonde girl is revealed. “Hi. Who are you?”_

_Clarke swallows. “Umm…”_

_The other girl raises her eyebrows and waits, before she looks back over her shoulder with a wide and toothy grin. “Lexa? I think I broke a girl.”_

__More like her fucking heart._ _

_“Umm… Sorry. I'm Clarke.” She manages to say after a few more seconds. “I'm here to see Lexa.”_

_“Clarke? Oh my god, that’s too great!” The blonde grins wickedly. “I'm Costia! Get in here! I feel like I know you.”_

_“Yeah? Strange, because I’ve never heard about you.” Clarke steps into the small apartment. “Who are you?”_

_Costia chuckles. “I'm nobody. And I'm out of here. Lexa’s in the shower, she’ll be here in five.”_

_The other girl grabs her stuff from Lexa’s couch and a second later she’s out of the door. Clarke hasn’t even got time to process things._

_Her mind is racing._

_Why didn’t Lexa tell her about that girl? Are they…?_

_“What did you shout, Cos?” Lexa comes walking into the living room in nothing more than a towel, wet hair draped over one shoulder. “Clarke!”_

_Clarke has seen her best friend in underwear, in bikinis and tight leggings. But this version of her? _Holy shit._ _

_Lexa walks over and hugs Clarke. In nothing but a towel. And Clarke is painfully aware of that._

__Oh my god_ , Clarke thinks. _

_“Where’s Costia?”_

_“She left.”_

_Lexa laughs. “Let me put some clothes on and then I'm all yours. Make yourself a home.”_

_Clarke grabs herself a coke from the refrigerator to cool down, because ever since Lexa hugged her (basically naked) her body’s on fire. Scratch that, there’s no fire. Clarke’s in ruins and she’s never felt better in her life._

_“When did you get here?” Lexa asks when she returns a minute later._

_She’s wearing simple navy-blue jeans and white t-shirt, but to Clarke she’s never been more beautiful. She watches Lexa’s toned arms and she stares at her ass while the brunette walks over to her kitchen._

__Get it together, Griffin!_ _

_“An hour ago.”_

_“And to what do I owe this spontaneous visit?”_

_“I wanted to see you.” Clarke answers, staring at her hands around the bottle of coke._

_Lexa grabs herself something to drink from the refrigerator too and comes to sit down next to Clarke._

_“Who is she?”_

_“Costia? She studies photography with me. She’s a year below us. Our professor thought it would be good for our creativity, if he mixes our years for a project.”_

_“Oh, okay.”_

_Costia’s beautiful. Lexa’s single. Why not?_

_“Clarke.” Lexa says, grabbing Clarke’s hands._

_“What?”_

_“She’s straight as an arrow.” Lexa smiles softly. “No need to be jealous.”_

_“What? I'm not. I just wondered why you didn’t tell me about her.”_

_“Because we got placed together yesterday.”_

_“And why does she know about me?”_

_By now Lexa’s smiling knowingly and Clarke hates that expression. “Because I told her about you. Our project is supposed to be about people and she asked me, if I had a favorite object. And I told her, yes. You.”_

_Clarke looks up to meet Lexa’s eyes. “Oh.”_

_Somehow the mood shifts, but Clarke isn’t sure if Lexa feels it too._

_“Why did you really come here?” Lexa asks after another few seconds._

_Clarke stares at the ceiling, trying to muster the courage to tell Lexa the truth. “Because I wanted to tell you something.”_

_“Tell me.”_

_“Remember when I told you about me liking girls, too?”_

_Lexa nods, her hand is still holding Clarke’s and both woman are aware of that._

_“Remember when you asked me if there was someone special?”_

_Another nod._

_“Well, now there is. And maybe there’s been for a while, but I…” Clarke looks back into green eyes._

_Lexa’s biting her lip. She’s just as tense as Clarke is._

_That’s why Clarke jumps – metaphorically speaking._

_“It’s you.” Clarke smiles shyly at the brunette in front of her. “It’s you, Lexa. I… I love you. I'm in love with you.”_

_Seconds pass. Green eyes still hold blue ones._

_Then there’s a smile on Lexa’s face._

_“I love you too.” She says quietly and so casually, like it’s always been this way._

__

 

\-----

 

“Hi, Clarke!”

“Hey Harper. How are you doing?”

“I'm good. And you?”

Clarke shrugs and Harper nods in understanding. 

After a shared and hopeful smile Clarke continues her way to the hospital room she’s been visiting day after day, week after week. 

She’s got good and bad days. 

The first days were torture. A living hell. She’s been walking these corridors like a zombie who’s hanging somewhere between life and death, unable to chose one side. 

But she needs to be strong for Lexa and she is. 

So she developed a routine. 

After breakfast she comes over and she stays until lunch. Sometimes Anya’s here too. They talk about a lot of different things. Work, memories, Lexa, their days. 

Then she gets lunch with someone – most of the time it’s her mother. They’ve been talking too. Sometimes Raven comes over from work, sometimes Clarke drives over to her. 

She’s not alone in this and she’s grateful for that. 

During the afternoons she reads to Lexa or she draws something in silence. Sometimes she sings the brunette’s favorite songs to her, strumming along on her old guitar. Sometimes she tells her stories. Sometimes she just sits in silence. 

And for the evenings she gets takeout or pizza and she cuddles up on her couch. Their couch. Alone. 

Three and a half weeks. 

Twenty-four days. 

She hasn’t given up hope. She won’t. She can’t. 

Lexa will wake up and she’ll be okay. 

They’ll be okay. 

Clarke takes a deep breath before she enters Lexa’s room. She presses a kiss to the brunette’s forehead, lingering a little longer on the skin just to take in her scent. Then she sits down and unpacks her guitar. 

She has found a self-made mixtape in Lexa’s car yesterday and she’s been listening to the last song Lexa must have heard the whole night. 

After staring at the sleeping figure in front of her, she starts playing, pouring her heart and soul into every note, every word. 

_“I know I have my moments_  
And at times I'm hard to be around.   
I get impatient when you're getting dressed.   
It's just, I thought the first one looked the best. 

_You're beautiful_  
More than I deserve.   
So listen close   
To these 1, 2, 3, 4 words, so 

_Please keep loving me_  
Cause our hearts speak fluently.   
Wherever I go, whatever I do   
The map on my heart leads to you.   
So baby, please keep loving me,   
Loving me, loving me 

_Your lips on my smile_  
Are like bees round a honeycomb.   
You see through my harsh misty windows   
And out of all the fingerprints only yours will show. 

_You're beautiful_  
Before the make-ups on.   
And out of all the girls   
You're the one I want. 

_Please keep loving me_  
Cause our hearts speak fluently.   
Wherever I go, whatever I do   
The map on my heart leads to you.   
So baby, please keep loving me,   
Loving me, loving me 

_For all the mistakes I'm making,_  
I don't mean I don't mean them,   
I don't mean them.   
For all the little things   
That I failed to see   
My heart is on my sleeve 

_Please keep loving me_  
Cause our hearts speak fluently.   
Wherever I go, whatever I do   
The map on my heart leads to you.   
So baby, please keep loving me,   
Loving, loving me .  
Please keep loving me.” 

 

Clarke blinks away her tears. 

“Please.” She says quietly as she stares at their intertwined hands. “I can’t do this without you. You need to keep loving me, Lex. Okay? Can you do that, please?”

 

**********************************

 

Music. 

Again. 

Somehow that always gets her attention.

She can’t always listen to the voice talking. It’s hard to focus and she gets tired so soon. But when the voice starts singing every word is loud and clear and it touches Lexa deep down. 

The song resonates within her soul. It’s familiar – somehow. 

Together with the warm, soft and crystal clear voice it feels like it’s pulling at her. 

And Lexa gives in to that pull. 

\---

She blinks. Slowly.

She swallows, but her throat feels dry and she coughs quietly. 

The first thing she sees are blue eyes staring at her with tears running down over cheeks and falling into the space between the two women. 

_She’s beautiful._

“Lex.” It’s barely a whisper, but it sounds so hopeful and so relieved that the corners of Lexa’s mouth move upwards on their own, forming a smile. 

Lexa coughs again. Her throat is as dry as a desert. 

And dear god, she feels so fucking tired. How’s that even possible? 

“Lex, do you… do you know what happened? Can you speak? Do you know who… who I am?” Her angelic voice has never sounded more scared before. 

That’s why Lexa reacts immediately. 

“You’re Clarke.” She answers, reaching out to grab Clarke’s hand. It costs her a lot of energy, but it’s worth it. It’ll always be worth it. “You’re my Clarke.” 

And Clarke breaks into tears. She cries and sobs against Lexa’s chest and Lexa holds her. 

She’ll always hold her. 

…


	8. phoenix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :)  
> I'm sorry that I kept you waiting, but life's a bit of a mess right now and I'm working a lot, so my time's a bit limited.   
> But here it is, I hope you enjoy :)  
> Leave a comment if you can - they motivate me and make me really happy :P
> 
> Love,   
> LJT.   
> \---

…

It takes a few hours before Lexa remembers everything that happened before – before waking up in a hospital bed, before the accident, before driving down that stupid hill. Before breaking off their engagement. 

This fact lingers in the back of both woman’s heads the whole time. 

But it takes a few days before Clarke brings up the topic, because Lexa sleeps a lot and neither one of them actually wants to bring it up during the few moments they share alone – which they aren’t a lot. So for almost a week they avoid it, because pretending that everything’s okay is so much easier.

Lexa is recovering well. She still feels dizzy sometimes and she gets tired fast. But considering the circumstances she’s okay.

For the first days Clarke has barely left her side. Lexa didn’t really mind. She’s just relieved to be alive and to get another chance. They didn’t talk much. But whenever Lexa wakes up she feels Clarke pulling back her own hand from Lexa’s. She never says anything and Clarke makes small talk afterwards. 

But after learning that Lexa will be able to go home the next day, Clarke finally decides to say something. 

Lexa can already see it in the blonde’s face before Clarke sits down next to the bed. 

“Can we… talk about it?” She asks quietly. 

“I guess we need to, right?”

Clarke shrugs, but Lexa can tell from the dark bags beneath her eyes that the blonde hasn’t been sleeping well. 

“I'm sorry.” Lexa says before she can stop herself. 

Clarke’s eyes fill with confusion. “For what?” 

“For being so stupid to cycle down that hill.”

“You scared me.” Clarke admits. “I thought I’d lose you. And… I don’t want to lose you, Lex. I _can’t_.”

“I know.” She responds softly. “And I'm sorry for walking out on you. That wasn’t fair.”

“Yes, it was. It hurt, but… I deserved that. It made me realize what I had put on the line all the time. I never meant to do that, but that’s no excuse because I still did it and I hurt you, Lexa, and I'm sorry for that. God, I'm so sorry.” 

The blonde’s eyes glisten with tears and Lexa’s heart clenches in pain. So she reaches out her hand.

“I hired someone for the firm. I’ll step back.” Clarke announces a second later. 

Lexa opens her mouth to interrupt her, to tell her that she doesn’t have to do this, that maybe there’s another solution (even though she knows there isn’t), but that’s just who she is and she can’t help her instinct. She wants Clarke to be happy, even if this means she’s happy without her. 

But Clarke continues before she can say anything. “These past weeks showed me what’s important. I shouldn’t have ever forgotten it, but… I want to do that for us. I want to wake up next to you again and I want to come home at night. I want to take you out and cuddle on the couch and I… I want to paint again. I want to live again.”

Lexa watches all kinds of emotions ghosting over the blonde’s face. And she realizes that she’s relieved. It’s selfish, she knows that. But she has been missing the woman in front of her for so long now and hearing Clarke say that she’s going to step back… 

“Clarke, I-“

“Let me do that for us, Lex.” 

“I don’t want you to regret it in a few months or years. I don’t want you to resent me because you gave up on it for me. I don’t want to keep you from doing what you love.”

Clarke shakes her head with a smile. “There’s only one thing I’d regret and that would be losing you. I’d never forgive myself for that.” She says determined. “I don’t love this job. It’s just a job to me. I guess I felt obliged to lead the company because of Dad, but… He just wanted me to be happy, you know? That’s all that ever mattered to him. And I'm happy with you. I… I love you. I love you so much.” 

Before they know it, they sink in each other’s arms. This doesn’t solve all their problems, of course not. But it’s a start.

“I love you too.” Lexa answers quietly, before she inhales scent of Clarke’s hair. There’s a hint of watermelon. Her favorite shampoo. 

“Yeah?”

“Of course.” 

They hold each other for a while and Lexa feels herself calming down. It’s like she’s been running high on adrenaline since she’s left their apartment. But in Clarke’s arms she’s safe and happy and home, even with all their problems. 

“Will we work this out?” Clarke asks so quietly that Lexa almost doesn’t hear it. 

“We will.” 

“Will you… will you come home with me tomorrow?” 

Lexa hesitates for a moment before she answers. Not because she’s having doubts. Just because she thinks about how lucky she is to get this second chance. To get a chance to talk it all out. “I will.” 

And Clarke’s grip on Lexa’s shoulder tightens. “I love you.” She says again.

“I know.” 

“No, I mean… you’re everything to me. You’re the most important person in my life and I’ll make sure to never forget it again, okay? I promise.”

“Okay.”

 

********************

 

“Clarke?” 

“Here.” She answers and gets up immediately. 

Lexa’s standing in the doorframe of their bedroom. “What are you doing out here?”

“You shouldn’t be up. Get back to bed.” Clarke scurries over to the brunette but stops a few steps away. 

She’s not sure how to approach the other woman. Love-confessions are one thing, but actually living together again… There’s still much tension between them. 

They’ve been home for a few hours. After making dinner for the brunette a while ago Clarke respectfully left Lexa in their bedroom and started to busy herself with preparing the couch for herself for the night.

“Why are you sleeping out here?”

Clarke’s gaze wanders to the makeshift bed. “I didn’t want to disturb you.” 

Lexa raises both eyebrows, waiting for Clarke to continue.

And she does just a few seconds of uncomfortable staring later. “I… I wanted to give you space.” 

“ _Clarke_.” Lexa says, making her name sound so fragile, like it’s the most precious thing in the world. 

No one can make her name sound like that. 

Clarke feels her eyes welling up with tears and she doesn’t even try to fight it. It’s just that she thought for a while that she wouldn’t get to hear this again and now Lexa’s here, in their apartment, and she’s alive and beautiful and Clarke can’t hold all those bottled up emotions inside anymore.

The brunette opens her arms for Clarke. But when she doesn’t move – she can’t move – Lexa crosses the remaining distance and wraps her in her arms. 

The same second Clarke feels safe. Loved. 

“Come to bed with me.” Lexa whispers. 

And Clarke does. 

She follows the brunette to the bedroom. Carefully approaching the bed where Lexa lies, she stops. “Are you sure? I mean, I can…”

“ _Clarke_.” 

There it is again.

Her eyes finally look up to meet green ones. Lexa is smiling – the kind of smile that makes Clarke’s heart beat like crazy, even after everything that happened between them. The kind of smile she’ll never get used to – not in a thousand lifetimes. 

Lexa reaches out her hand. “Come here.” 

Clarke climbs into the bed, still stiff as a board. But then Lexa pulls her close, spooning her from behind, nuzzling her nose into Clarke’s neck like she always does, and suddenly everything’s good. 

 

**************

 

Clarke keeps her promise. She finds someone for the daily business and she returns to her old job. Sure, the company is still hers and she has more work than before her father’s death, but most of the time she’s even home before Lexa returns. And she’s there on the weekends and in the mornings too. 

Sometimes Lexa still gets scared, because she doesn’t want to go through that ever again. Sometimes they fight about nonsense, because the events still linger in the back of both their heads. It left scars on both of them. 

But when Lexa returns home today – almost two months after waking up – she doesn’t get scared anymore. Instead she feels warm and fuzzy and… happy. She’s happy. 

Because today she’s greeted with soft music and the smell of Pasta. That’s nothing unusual anymore and Lexa’s slowly getting used to that. Especially the little things – paint stances on Clarke’s clothes, her humming along to the music, the smell of dinner, the soft kisses in between. 

Somehow tonight feels different. 

“Hey.” Clarke smiles and walks over to her, pecking her lips for a short moment (too short for Lexa’s liking, but they’ve been taking it slow). “Go, take a shower. Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes.” 

Lexa does as she’s told. She enjoys the hot water loosening her muscles. And when she’s done she returns to the kitchen, where she wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist from behind and presses a kiss against her neck. “Smells amazing.”

Clarke leans back into the embrace with a hum. “It tastes amazing too.” 

Something else catches Lexa’s attention before she can answer. Her eyes widen when she sees the table. “ _Clarke_. What’s all this?”

“That’s our belated anniversary.” Clarke turns around in Lexa’s arms, her ocean blue eyes staring into hers with an insecure expression. “I owe you a dinner.” 

“You don’t owe me-”

“I do. Go, relax. I’ll be finished here in two minutes.” 

“Can I help you?” 

A soft kiss to Lexa’s cheek. “No. I'm good here.” 

Lexa sits down by the table and stares at the sunflowers Clarke bought. And then she realizes that she’s happy and she can’t fight the smile on her lips. 

\--------

Lexa notices that Clarke is staring at her. Or her lips. It’s not the first time – neither tonight nor during the last weeks, but now she doesn’t blush or look away. 

“Clarke?” She asks, raising both eyebrows in amusement.

“What?”

“What’s going on with you?” 

“Umm… Nothing?”

“Are you asking me?” 

“No, I… 

They’re sitting on the couch – Lexa on one side, Clarke on the other, the space between them empty. Sometimes there’s a bowl of popcorn or a bag of chips resting between them to conceal the emptiness and the distance. Not tonight though. 

“Okay, you’re right. I just… can I… can I kiss you?”

They’ve been talking a lot over the past weeks. Maybe more than they did for the whole last year. They’ve been slowly rekindling their relationship. Little dates here and there, cuddling and soft kissing. 

But there was still a distance between them. First because Lexa needed time to recover and then because they were nervous. Especially Clarke. Lexa tried to reassure her that they’re on the right path and that everything’s good, but Clarke held back. She’s been nothing but respectful – maybe too respectful, because they never went further than short pecks on the lips or hugging. But Lexa wants to do the next step. God, she aches for the blonde – she has been for a while now. 

So she smiles at the gorgeous woman across from her. “You can.” 

Slowly Clarke scoots closer, until she’s sitting right in front of Lexa. “You sure?”

Instead of an answer Lexa crashes their lips together, not waiting for Clarke to reciprocate the kiss before she pushes the woman into the pillows behind her. 

Clarke whimpers and opens her mouth for Lexa’s tongue, giving in to her own ache immediately. 

Lexa’s body burns as if it’s on fire. Clarke tastes amazing. So amazing. 

They push and pull, fighting for dominance, and somewhere along the way they land on the floor with a thud. 

“Shit.” Lexa chuckles. “You’re heavy.”

“Hey! I'm not!” Clarke complains, but she’s laughing too and there’s a spark in her blue eyes. 

“Maybe we should buy a bigger couch then.”

They stare into each other’s eyes for a few moments, until Lexa brushes Clarke’s hair back and pulls her close until their bodies are flushed together and it’s hard to tell where Lexa ends and where Clarke begins. 

“Thank you for tonight.” 

“Always.” 

Lexa can feel the blonde’s heartbeat. It’s as fast as her own. 

It doesn’t take them long to restart their make-out session. Too much time without the other has passed and both women ache for the other. Soon Clarke nibbles at Lexa’s earlobe and Lexa’s hands wander downwards to Clarke’s hips. 

Clarke stares down at the brunette. “Lexa.” 

“Hm?”

“Take of my shirt.”

Lexa does as she was asked without hesitating. Her fingers brush over Clarke’s hipbones, grab the hem of the shirt and pull it over the blonde’s head in one swift motion. She leans in to reconnect their lips, but then she stops right in the middle of her movements. 

She stares at the small and shining object on the golden chain between Clarke’s breasts and Clarke’s eyes go wide.

…


	9. Epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :)  
> This is the end - at least for this story.  
> Thanks for sticking with me, for reading this, for the comments and the kudos. I'm going to keep writing (and some day I'm going to finish every story, I promise).  
> I hope you like the ending I chose. 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

Clarke bites her lips nervously.

She hadn’t planned this. 

Well, making out, yes. But not the ring. Honestly, she had totally forgotten about it until the moment Lexa saw it.

“Lex, I'm-”

“Sshh.” Lexa answers, her expression unreadable. 

_I’ve ruined it_ , Clarke thinks, completely freaking out internally, _Goddamn, I’ve ruined it before it even really started again. I'm so stupid._

But Lexa moves her hand up along the chain around Clarke’s neck, her fingers barely touching the skin. Slowly she unlocks it without breaking the eye contact between them, before she lets the ring fall into her right hand. 

Clarke swallows, waiting for Lexa to say something, anything, to get angry at her, to accuse her of pressuring or tricking her, to shout. She’s prepared for every possible situation except the following. 

“That belongs here, don’t you think?” Lexa says and puts it on the ring finger of her left hand. “That is, if you’ll still have me.” 

Blue stares into green, unable to process. 

Lexa chuckles at Clarke’s shocked reaction. That’s why she leans in and grazes her lips over Clarke’s pulse point. “Marry me, Clarke.” She whispers. “Be mine.”

“Y-yes.” Clarke croaks, not even trying to fight her tears. 

“I love you.”

“And I love-” Clarke is silenced by Lexa’s lips on hers. Not that she minds. 

For the rest of the night Clarke’s vocabulary seems drastically reduced to not more than ten words. One of them being Lexa’s name. She doesn’t mind either. 

 

…

Lexa buys Clarke a ring the next day. She wants the blonde to know that she wants this – them.

She plans for two days straight, but in the end all that planning was in vain, because with Clarke nothing ever works as it should.

\--  
_  
“Lexa, you’re making me nervous.” Clarke announces during dinner on Sunday evening. “Do you… do you regret it?”_

_Lexa’s eyes go wide and she almost chokes on her wine. “No! Not at all! Clarke, I love you!”_

_“Then why are you so… distant?”_

_“I'm not!”_

_“You’ve been holed up in our room all day!”_

_“I had to work.” Lexa says. Not her best idea, but she’s almost finished organizing everything._

_“Work? It’s Sunday!”_

_“It’s urgent.”_

_Clarke doesn’t believe her. “Lexa, you never work on Sundays. You know, it’s okay if you think we’ve moved too fast. I… I get it.”_

_There’s hurt and fear in the other woman’s voice and Lexa hates causing it. She reaches over for Clarke’s hand. “We’re not moving too fast. I swear!”_

_“Then what is it? Did I do something wrong?” Clarke’s blue eyes stare at her pleadingly. “Because it certainly feels that way!”_

_Lexa shakes her head. She frantically searches for an answer to calm the blonde, but she finds none._

_So she sighs. “This is not how I planned on doing it.”_

_“Doing what?”_

_“Wait here.” She says and gets up._

_“Lexa!”_

_“I’ll be right back.” She reassures the blonde._

_She goes to their bedroom and opens Clarke’s drawer. Hiding something from the blonde is nearly impossible. So she decided to hide the ring in a place where the other woman would definitely not look, not even when she got suspicious. Lexa rummages a few seconds, before pulling out the blue box._

_Just for a second she opens it and smiles at the sight. It’s a simple ring with just a tiny diamond, but it’s Clarke’s. She knew it the moment she laid eyes on it._

_She closes the box and returns to the dining table where Clarke nervously fumbles with the tablecloth._

_“Clarke.” Lexa says. “Don’t be nervous.”_

_“It’s easier said than done when you’re hiding something.”_

_“I was hiding something, yes.”_

_Clarke slumps against the back of the chair._

_“And you ruined the surprise a little, but I guess this moment as is as good as every other.” Lexa says and she watches a frown appearing on the blonde’s forehead. She smiles as she gets down on one knee and reveals the ring. “I love you. And I know I already kind of asked you, but I thought I’d make it… clearer. I thought you’d deserve one too, because this promise goes both ways and I want you to know that.”_

_“Yes.”_

_Clarke’s beaming smile makes Lexa’s heart beat faster. “I haven’t even asked a question yet.”_

_“I know.”_

_Lexa chuckles. “May I still ask?”_

_“Go on.”_

_“Clarke Abigail-”_

_The blonde groans. “Not the middle name.”_

_“You’re kind of ruining my proposal here.”_

_“Sorry. Go on.”_

_“Clarke Griffin. Will you marry-“ Lexa is interrupted once more by a fierce hug. “Oof.”_

_“Yes.” Clarke whispers against Lexa’s neck. “A thousand times yes.”_

__

\---

Clarke continues to paint. She’s happy following her passion and a just a year later she has her first exhibition. 

Lexa is the one to bring up the topic first. But it’s Clarke, who eventually brings a kitten home to surprise her fiancé. They name the small red tomcat Garfield, because it was Lexa’s favorite movie when she was a kid. 

\---  
__

_“Clarke, look at him!”_

_“Lexa, I'm trying to get this finished before dinner.”_

_“But look! Isn’t he cute?” Lexa points at the sleeping kitten lying on his back between two pillows on the couch._

_“He’s adorable. Happy now?”_

_On the inside Clarke’s heart melts – not because of the little tomcat. Lexa’s eyes shining like that is all she needs in her life._

__

\---

Clarke wants to marry in summer, so they set a date for July the following year. Lexa wants a fruity cake, Clarke wants one with chocolate. In the end they get both. 

\--

_  
“Why not?”_

_“Because it’s tradition.”_

_“But I want this one and Lexa wants the other one. It’s our day! So we’re going to have two cakes!”_

_“Clarke-” Raven tries to reason her best friend, but the blonde shakes her head._

_“No. Two cakes.” She says with crossed arms_

_Raven sighs._

__  
\---

It’s a small wedding, just friends and family. 

In the middle of the dancefloor Raven proposes to Octavia more or less by accident. She wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

\---  
_  
“You think one day that’ll be us?” Raven asks quietly as they dance wrapped up in each other to a slow song._

_“No.” Octavia answers and Raven’s heart drops. “When we get married, we won’t have all that cheesy stuff.”_

_“What would we have instead? Vegas?”_

_Octavia shakes her head. “God, no.”_

_Raven laughs about Octavia’s wrinkled nose. “Well, how would our wedding look like then?”_

_“We’d get married spontaneously. Somewhere we’ve never been maybe, some place we like. We’d get our best men from the streets, just two strangers passing by.” She says and looks into dark-brown eyes when Raven stops moving. “What? Don’t you like the idea?”_

_“I…” Raven finds it very hard to formulate an answer._

_“I'm sorry.”_

_“No. Don’t be. It’s… it’s perfect.”_

_“Yeah?” Octavia asks shyly._

_Raven nods, her fingers ghosting over the blush on the other woman’s cheek while she stares into the ice-blue eyes she loves so much. She never pictured herself settling down with anyone. She’s a free-spirit and the thought of marrying was the synonym of being stuck._

_But the woman in her arms has changed it all. And if there’s something she learned from Clarke and Lexa, then it’s that life can be too short._

_“Let’s get away then.”_

_“What?”_

_“How about we find a place we like and we’ll get married there? Right now?”_

_“What?”_

_“Marry me, O.”_

_“Rae…” Octavia stares into Raven’s eyes, trying to find insecurities or hints of a joke. But there is neither of them. “You sure?”_

_Raven nods. “Marry me. Please.”_

_Octavia smashes their lips together and they get lost in the moment, the feeling, the song, each other …_

_And then Raven grabs Octavia’s hands and leads her away from the party, back to the parking lot, and they get in the car and drive into the night.  
_

\---

They get married two weeks later during a road trip. It’s their definition of romantic. And it’s a great story to tell. 

Two years later Lexa and Clarke talk about having kids. If, how many and when. Four months later Clarke comes home from her studio to find Lexa sitting on the bathroom floor with a positive pregnancy test. She’s never been happier than in this moment. 

Not until eight months after that, when Lexa gives birth to a beautiful baby girl. Madi Woods. Clarke claims she’s the spitting image of Lexa (Lexa would disagree, but just because the thought scares her a little). Short version: both think Madi is perfect.

The little girl keeps them on their toes, but they wouldn’t want to have it any other way. 

Another three years later Clarke gives birth to their second child. It’s a boy and they name him after her father. This time Lexa claims he looks just like Clarke – and suddenly she realizes that her wife was right about Madi. At least a little. Little Jake is perfect too. 

They decide to buy a house with a small garden. Clarke gets an atelier and Lexa sets up her office. 

\---  
__

_“I can’t believe all of this is real.” Clarke says._

_They’re lying on the grass in the middle of their backyard. The kids are asleep and it’s one of those summer nights when they get to feel invincible._

_“Believe it.” Lexa answers and her fingers intertwine with Clarke’s. “It is real.”_

__  
\---

The house is the place where Clarke and Lexa grow old together, just how it’s supposed to be. 

Because sometimes people get lucky. 

Sometimes, there’s a happy ending. 

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3
> 
> PS: would you be interested in a Octaven-story? I'm thinking about doing one on how they met and stuff.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my awesome beta <3


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